Monday Memories #11 #FixThePlus

My first child was born at the Desert Hospital. I was in labor 16 hours with her. The whole time no drugs. I wanted natural and that was that.Unfortunately, at the end of all that time, I had become weak and not pushing wasn't an option anymore for I had only dilated to a four and you have to go to ten, the baby wasn't waiting anymore! 

My doctor made the call for a C-Section; I freaked and the last thing I remember is a white mask being put over my face. Next I'm being woken up by a nurse saying “Mrs. Barker you had a baby girl” and me all groggy telling her I did not! Then there she was my sweet baby girl.

They ended up keeping her though releasing me thinking she had jaundice and I was determined to breastfeed so for four days I went back and forth to the hospital every four hours until the nurses convinced me to sleep the night and they would give her a bottle at night so I could rest. 

I was so tired with dark circles under my eyes I looked like a heroin addict! Finally, I was able to bring her home which made me really happy.

When she had troubles sleeping me and my husband would take Amy out for a drive and it worked every time.

We lasted three years together and I don't regret being with him, but he just wasn't husband material, but he wasn't my last mistake. The lesson here was don't rebound to a guy to get over another guy to avoid the heartache pain which really really hurts.

So I remember a blonde headed free-spirited, laughing beautiful child of four and the last I saw of her was her face looking out the back window waving. It hurts to this day and still makes me cry which is what I am ready to do now.

Nothing will ever erase the pain of missing out on raising your child because of mistakes in choices that I made. Her birthday is the 21st of June, this month as a matter of fact. I have tried to find her all the while my heart beating wildly at the thought she may not want me to find her.

I have hit dead-end after dead-end but maybe someday....

Looking For My Daughter

JUNE 21ST 1979

MOTHER: SHERYL ANN (DAVIS) BARKER/ROSE

FATHER: DONALD BARKER

MOTHER'S MOM: NANCY DAVIS

MOTHER'S FATHER: CHARLES DAVIS

MOTHER'S BROTHER: CHRISTOPHER DAVIS

I last saw Amy when she was 4 years of age when my mother agreed to take her while I moved with the intention of coming for her when I settled in.
I had 2 letters from her when she was a teenager and that's the last I ever heard from her.
I have never stopped loving Amy Rebeckah; I think about you every day, and I will never stop looking for you.

IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION PLEASE CONTACT ME ON FACEBOOK UNDER EITHER SAGIE ROSE OR SHERYL ROSE

I am fifty-seven years old now. In the hopes of growing 'gracefully' older, my age doesn't seem 'that' old. As far as missing a piece of your soul and heart, it's a lifetime.

I haven't seen or heard except when she was sixteen in two letters from my first-born child Amy. In her letters, she told me she wanted to change her name to Cindy.

With the help of others, I managed to track her down hopes held high, with excitement and anticipation I tried the two numbers that I had obtained. Both phones rang and rang and rang, you get the message. I tried for two weeks finally giving up muttering doesn't everyone on earth have some kind of answering machine?

She will be in her early Thirties. In my mind, she is still this sweet blonde haired happy child that joyfully played and ran around.

I have often laid in bed beating myself up for the choices I made that led me up to losing touch with my daughter often crying myself to sleep. It will be a regret and ache that will never go away.

I managed to find my brother after thirty years, talked on the phone for hours. He had no idea where she was telling me she looked a lot like me.

Where ever you are I love you honey and hope someday you and I will be with each other again.

How To Handle A Rebound, The Wrong Way #FixThePlus *

 I have always wanted to embrace life and all it had to offer. I have the curiosity and wonderment of a small child. I want to live! To enjoy the beauty that life has to offer. And I love helping out people. My friend says "I follow my heart."I wish my heart had better sense!

 Little did I know it can get out of control and blow up in your face causing great pain but I have and did use my mistakes for the good. All I can do is hopefully give the person reading this a kinship and comfort that you are not alone. And faith that better days will come.As I grow older I'm learning how to forgive myself. Some things I have. Some things I still struggle with. 

 We're Going To The Chapel. 

I stood in blue jeans and a cool blouse quietly saying, "I do" in front of the Justice of the Peace at the City Hall in Los Vegas, Nevada.

It was 1977 and looking at that date it seems so long ago. I was eighteen and my soon to be husband was 20 years of age. I had known him all of a few months. I had just had my heart broken by a boy and instead of wallowing in pain I latched on to this young man. 

I was eloping in defiance of being told what to do all the time and all my life by my mother. My new found freedom I had been waiting years and years for wasn't complete yet. I still lived at home and had to listen to a mother who thought she knew the right way for everything. 

Her way was the right way and she would not let it go. Plus insisting that "shacking up" was bad.I was going to burn in the fires of hell. Getting married THEN having sex was good. So to shut her up and plus even though I disagreed with almost everything she said, I still loved and wanted her approval.  

I should have listened to my inner intuition when on the way there my future husband's brother's car had broken down on the way to Los Vegas, Nevada  making us all nice and hot and sweaty.

But it was done my new husband and I came down the steps only to get rice slammed in our faces by my new brother-in-law. Another sign? It was very surreal, but I embraced it as a new adventure and was ready for action!

Got on the phone and announced,"Guess what mom I got married." What a wonderful daughter I was! 

Ever do something impulsive and want to take it back?