Monday, June 13, 2016

Monday Memories #11 #FixThePlus

My first child was born at the Desert Hospital. I was in labor 16 hours with her. The whole time no drugs. I wanted natural and that was that.Unfortunately, at the end of all that time, I had become weak and not pushing wasn't an option anymore for I had only dilated to a four and you have to go to ten, the baby wasn't waiting anymore! 

My doctor made the call for a C-Section; I freaked and the last thing I remember is a white mask being put over my face. Next I'm being woken up by a nurse saying “Mrs. Barker you had a baby girl” and me all groggy telling her I did not! Then there she was my sweet baby girl.

They ended up keeping her though releasing me thinking she had jaundice and I was determined to breastfeed so for four days I went back and forth to the hospital every four hours until the nurses convinced me to sleep the night and they would give her a bottle at night so I could rest. 

I was so tired with dark circles under my eyes I looked like a heroin addict! Finally, I was able to bring her home which made me really happy.

When she had troubles sleeping me and my husband would take Amy out for a drive and it worked every time.

We lasted three years together and I don't regret being with him, but he just wasn't husband material, but he wasn't my last mistake. The lesson here was don't rebound to a guy to get over another guy to avoid the heartache pain which really really hurts.

So I remember a blonde headed free-spirited, laughing beautiful child of four and the last I saw of her was her face looking out the back window waving. It hurts to this day and still makes me cry which is what I am ready to do now.

Nothing will ever erase the pain of missing out on raising your child because of mistakes in choices that I made. Her birthday is the 21st of June, this month as a matter of fact. I have tried to find her all the while my heart beating wildly at the thought she may not want me to find her.

I have hit dead-end after dead-end but maybe someday....

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