Sunday, January 3, 2016

What Would You Do...


What would you do if you knew that someone very close to you was getting hurt emotionally, physically and mentally living hundreds of miles away from you? That endless worry. The helplessness. The hope that it will all turn out for the better.

I have been through this myself. So I know both sides of the fence. The pain of the one you love hurting you, how could they do this to you, you ask yourself. The promise of never doing it again. The 'Honey Moon' stage where the, in this case, man, is on his best behavior for a few weeks even months  only to start all over again.

The embarrassment, you don't want anyone to know, it's too embarrassing, the excuses, 'he was drunk' 'he was in a bad mood' 'it's my fault', 'I shouldn't have made him mad'. 'But I love him'.

Believe me, you can love again.

I am in a healthy relationship now but it took me forever, I was darn near my 50's to be in one. I used to drink like a fish. My friends were all drinkers, the parties were never-ending. So, of course, that circle of friends became my world. The men I would choose thought nothing of hitting, pushing, stealing, even spending days away only to come back all sheepish and sorry with their bag of empty apologies.

You want to leave. The thought of being 'single' and alone scares and makes you unbelievably sad crying at the thought of it. Uprooting your life is always scary and unpredictable. You tell yourself I can change him I will just love him more. You have a tender loving heart, I can change him.

I learned through groups for abused women several things. Top of the list was if they hit, shove, choke, lay their hands on you for any reason is totally unacceptable. A man is bigger, stronger, and he should walk away. When a couple chooses to get drunk together there's another excuse. 'He was drunk', 'I was drunk', and the famous, 'I will never drink again'. A couple of days go by and it's how bout one drink, then it's two, here we go again.

I have been there up close and personal. I have been pushed to the point of blacking out, severely hurting someone to the point I could have ended up in prison. I had no idea who I was. I had finally had enough and as I call it, went solo for 2 years give or take before meeting my husband. I still drank, he didn't. As time went by I slowly lost interest in drinking to where I am today. I still like to have a couple here and there but can go months without.

My husband has a saying and with great patience would repeat, "I am not the enemy". I have a pretty thick head and I am very stubborn but it finally started sinking in. We build each other up not try and tear each other to pieces.

A prayer and a song for all the women and in some cases men who will acknowledge their self-worth and break free from any kind of abusive behavior. You are supposed to have each other's backs, not break them.

    Crawling
    Crawling in my skin
    These wounds, they will not heal
    Fear is how I fall
    Confusing what is real
    There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
    Consuming, confusing
    This lack of self control I fear is never ending
    Controlling
    I can't seem
    To find myself again
    My walls are closing in
    (Without a sense of confidence I'm convinced
    That there's just too much pressure to take)
    I've felt this way before
    So insecure
    Crawling in my skin
    These wounds, they will not heal
    Fear is how I fall
    Confusing what is real
    Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
    Distracting, reacting
    Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
    It's haunting how I can't seem
    To find myself again
    My walls are closing in
    (Without a sense of confidence I'm convinced
    That there's…
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