Wednesday, March 30, 2016

In The End It Doesn't Even Matter


                   CHOOSING CHANGE 

When I first saw you I was enthralled with your blue eyes, your honesty, you were funny, worked hard and had an interesting past that aligned my own. For months, I tried to stay away only to be drawn back to you quickly leaving your vicinity. You were in my circle of friends so as time went by I slowly came to trust my fluttering heart feeling like a teenager again for the first time in a long time. Finally tiring of the tug-a-war of my heart and mind, I let my heart win and you became my lover.

In the beginning, we laughed, you were good with my children, helping my youngest with her homework which I didn't really understand, I thought maybe, just maybe you were 'the one'. I can stop searching. You made me feel like a queen but there was that one thing, your drinking. I thought I could ignore that for all the other good qualities would outweigh that.

You gave me money, you gave me fun, you protected me from harm, I finally fell in love. Three years we were wonderful together, you had landed a Taxi driving job, my future was secured. Then something happened. A slight change in the air, something was off, I couldn't quite put my finger on it, you started to change. We started to argue never sitting in the same room, I did things alone, what the heck had happened?

You had met a woman calling her a 'friend'. I said I believed you but I knew better. I was living waiting for that relationship ax to fall, it finally did. I had taken my kids and their friends to the movies to see Men In Black 2. I said good-bye to you, you grunted goodbye back. The movie was two hours long, then we all headed home. As I walked into an empty house little alarms in my head were going off. The quite felt final.

I called everyone I knew looking for him after a few hours had gone by. I knew what had happened but wanted verification. I didn't sleep at all that first night. I called my full-time job explaining what had happened. They gave me some time off. I called my 2nd part-time job, again, they also gave me some time off. Easter was a week away, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, all I did was cry. I listened to all the sad songs I had. That was the hardest Easter to get through I ever had. I was depressed and in deep mourning telling myself I will get through this, I know I will but it hurt so bad. My trusting heart was broken.

Adding insult to injury he had gotten into my little box of saved money, taking all but a few bucks. My world was crushed, I had been dumped, fooled by this man who had vehemently declared he would never do such a thing to a woman and her children. Try adding guilt on top of all the other feelings, I lost 20 lbs. 

My son saved the day when he printed out the lyrics to "In The End" by  Linkin Park. I played that song, loudly, over and over again with tears streaming down my face. I knew every word. Two weeks went by, I get a phone call. It was him! My heart just about jumped out of my chest. He kept apologizing claiming he would pay me back, every penny. I had been doing so well in my fight to get over him and I started to cry telling him sorry, it's too late as I hung up.

Three weeks I get a letter, from a prison. He had been incarcerated for a year for trying to walk out of a big grocery store with five hundred dollars worth of food. He told me it was Karma, I agreed to myself as I read on. He asked to come back but not because he needed a place, oh no, that wasn't it. The three weeks of break-up hell was still fresh in my mind as I read oh I thought to myself, no I don't think so and in return I sent him the lyrics from that song In The End.

Because in the end, it didn't really matter. That song saved my sanity.

I got the idea for writing this from all the reading I have been doing. I feel so refreshed and I hope this helps someone else who needs to know it will be okay.
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